The disciples were called Christians first-

-when they began behaving like huge douchebags.

A strange and haunting thought came to me this morning as I sat through church: I now have a hard time making it through a service (especially through the prayers) without crying, for some reason. This has been occurring since I got back to Texas; thank goodness I no longer attend church religiously. (Hee hee.)

I think this is partly because I am falling apart. I realize that I have NO CONTROL over ANYTHING in my life, and that is incredibly scary and stressful to a control freak such as myself. I mean, really. I have no control over or even idea about who (if anyone) will hire me, where I will live, if I will have friends there, if my Dad is ever getting a job, when the house will sell, anything concerning my love life (the boys who used to be in love with me just aren't anymore, and that is disconcerting.)

I thought coming home would alleviate the stress I was feeling in CA, but it is in fact worse, and I think this could be because I don't really have a home. We're trying to sell the house I grew up in in and my parents are attempting to relocate to a town six hours away--Mom's there already--and I'm trying to find a place to live on my own. (But a job first, of course.)

And the things I used to find comforting aren't comforting anymore. I feel like there are very few people I can trust, and I have developed an especially nasty aversion to Christians.

I'm sure this is partly because I spent the year being let down by a whole slew of 'em. The Christians who were supposed to care about me and support me in my various pursuits in Oakland spent their time either trying to get me to follow their rules, ignoring me, telling me that I (1) wasn't feeling the things I was feeling, (2) shouldn't be talking about my feelings and struggles or (3) was a great asset to the program because I challenged things and then getting defensive and aggressive when I DID challenge things. The Christians who were supposed to be supporting and shepherding my father were firing him for no reason that we can deduce and refusing to support my work because it wasn't through a "Church of Christ program." Other Christians who I have known for a long time were being appalled at my "lack of faith" this year and promising me that God was going to make things GREAT if I would just wait (or offering other annoying platitudes).

I am also annoyed with Christians in general, for missing the point of everything Jesus ever said and making him into an impotent, all-loving, docile white man who doesn't care what you do with your money as long as it doesn't involve illegal drugs or child prostitution and for only being concerned about politics as they apply to abortion and homosexual marriage.

And what's up with this God guy (or gal)? I'm still annoyed that He hasn't helped my Dad out with a job. Sorry, I'm trying not to be, but it isn't working very well. I mean, if His people hadn't completely screwed over my dad, then he would be living in the same area code as his wife and wouldn't be considering when he'd have to start applying for jobs at Target. (He told me the other day that he's not quite ready yet to be considering that option, just FYI.)

I know, I know, God isn't there just to give us the things we think we need. And I know that Dad will be fine (so if any of you Christians were planning to mention that, I got it covered). I mean, I know that I am incredibly blessed, that God has done lots of things for me. But what good is God if He doesn't show some major muscle where His people are concerned? My Dad continues to amaze me by proving what an extraordinary and forgiving man he is by going to church with the people who fired him and doing funerals for their nephews and visiting their families in the hospital. And I'm doing my best to forgive them. But why is God so quiet? Why didn't he set the elders' lawns on fire when my Mom's best friend asked them to? (I'm sort of kidding about that one, so calm down.)

Now I know that God was and is working through some of the "Good Christians." Some of the people from church have done everything in their power to help us out, from bringing my Mom chocolate to checking on us and asking if we need money. Some of them helped my Mom get a job and are now working to do the same for Dad and me. Some of them listened to me whine during my banishment in California and prayed for me and sent money and presents. I know that not all Christians are bad. But I just seem to know so many more of the bad than the good. How do I deal with that?

How do I find a church where I fit in? I don't fit in at those suburban churches who waste their money and I don't fit in at the inner city churches where I always feel awkward and uncomfortable. Guess I don't have to worry about that yet, but it is a thought running through my mind as I cry through various Sunday morning services.

Regardless, I now know that I feel out of place at both of the churches I have attended in the past two weeks. One of them was too much like the church I grew up in, and I felt like everyone was judging me (my neurosis, not theirs, I know). And the other was one where I should've felt at home, but I didn't. There are some good people there, but don't know many of them very well (which is awkward). I guess I should admit that I never felt "at home" in the second one, that I never really connected with anyone I met there. That's nobody's fault, I think we were just all to busy "working" to have time to connect, at least at the time I was there. And a lot of the consistent members there are married, and it can be hard to feel comfortable in that kind of group, at least for those of us who are above 18 and still single.

So thank you, Good Christians. Keep doing what you're doing. I know you're not perfect, but thanks for doing what you can. Now, how can we figure out where the Bad ones live and set their lawns on fire? (I mean, we should at least have some kind of retribution so we can feel vindicated when we have to spend eternity with them, right?)