I AM IN LOVE WITH A MAN! (Or want to be, anyway)
I would have to define this time in my life as a time of searching. I think that is partly because I am in a time of starting over and deciding, now that I have the time and resources to do so, how exactly I want to live out the rest of my life (regardless of how long that might be). I think this is also because I just spent a year out of my comfort zone, which always causes some type of change.
And here’s a side note: I hate it when people talk about how we should live every day like it’s our last. I mean, great idea, but if today’s my last day, then I am going to do some very specific things and NOT do some other very specific things (like go to work, go grocery shopping, floss). But if today is NOT my last day, then I need to go to work so I can have money for things like food and shelter and I need to go to the grocery store so I can buy that food and take it to my place of shelter. So it doesn’t make any sense to live every day like it’s our last. At least not to me.
But back to searching. . .I had a period of searching in college (albeit a shorter, more comfortable one) and I thought that once I finished that one, I would never have to have another one. But I was wrong. It seems that NOW I am building a framework for the rest of my adult life, and that involves making decisions about what “style” I will use to decorate my apartment as well as how much money I feel good about giving away and how much is okay to spend on things like clothes. I am building off the framework I built in college, but I hope for this new framework to have a much firmer foundation.
One of the parts of this search involves examining my religious beliefs and carefully attempting to integrate myself into a church while still carrying the scars from some recent ugly confrontations with Christians and their churches. This also involves finding a way to appreciate the good things in my life while not expecting them to ALL be good. As Job said, “shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” (Job 2:10) I need to find faith in a loving God who allows pain, who allows the evil in the world to mean that many children go hungry every day while some are outfitted with designer clothes and the newest cell phones. I need to find a way back into relationship with Him. I think I used to have one, but I lost it somewhere in Oakland, that sea of disappointment.
At church yesterday, the preacher was talking about “being in love with Jesus.” And I started to wonder what that really means, outside of the meaning we Christians have assigned it. Is it possible to be in love with someone you can’t see or hear or touch? (I’m afraid that I’m much more likely to be in love with Cheez-Its.) And if it is possible to be in love with Jesus, how do I do that?
I mean, it seems like some people accomplish this. (The preacher told a story about another preacher who stood on a table in Golden Corral and yelled, “I AM IN LOVE WITH A MAN!” He meant Jesus, of course.)
The preacher also talked about how he sees Jesus in different people in that church. And I get that. I have no problem seeing Jesus when people are generous and loving and forgiving. So we see Jesus when other people are like him, I guess. I guess that’s how we have to see him.
And I guess touch is possible, too, if we factor in his people. (Let me point out, though, that the way I touch someone I am in love with and the way I touch someone I love might be VERY different.)
And I can hear the words of Jesus read, I guess.
The problem is that I have mostly talked about loving the people of Jesus and not being in love with him. I think being in love with him at least requires my commitment to spending time talking with him (even if I feel like it’s one-sided sometimes). So then those two things, loving the people of Jesus and being in love with Him, are not exactly the same. Which takes me back to my original question, is it possible to be “in love” with Jesus, and if so, how?
Or is it just that the whole “in love” analogy is not a good one? (It seems somewhat appropriate, though, based on the whole “church as the bride of Christ” thing.) Should we be using different terminology, then?
C’mon, bloggers. I need some help clearing this up. (And it appears that I need someone I can hear and see and touch to bounce these ideas off of, preferably someone who knows more than me.)
posted by A. Lo @ 9:29 AM
3 Comments:
Why is it that you ALWAYS have to bring up the flossing?!?! Are you trying to make me feel guilty?!?! ;)
Anyways, I don't know more than you, but I will comment on things that I have opinions on that I think are worth sharing...
As for the saying, "Live today like it's your last"....I believe all "classic sayings" have their time and their place. While they may apply in some contexts, they don't in others.
Yes, you're correct, if today was my last day, I would much rather not go to work (since my current job isn't something I love), nor would I personally care to spend some of my final hours flossing and bathing...HA! But I think this saying does have a good point in reference to other decisions we are faced with on a daily basis. I think this saying is gear toward situations of whether or not to tell someone you love them, whether or not to take that extra step today to make sure someone knows they were appreciated, etc. I think if we were to truly believe that today very well could be our last day alive, people would be much more willing to tell people how they truly feel. Yes, that would probably include really letting someone have it in a negative sense, but it would also include telling your closest friends and family whenever you see them that you love them, or that they mean a lot to you, or that you really appreciate them.
Too many times people DO see their last day and it leaves the others thinking, "If I'd only told him how much he meant to me."
Blah blah blah...i know. But still. That's what I see from that saying.
BTW...isn't it amazing what stepping out of our comfort-zones can do to and for us?! ;)
Maybe loving Jesus starts with a crush. I mean, you can crush on someone even if you don't know them at all.
Maybe you could find something about Jesus that you adore, and then obsess over it. You could find lots of stories about Jesus doing that thing or being that way. You could do a little Jesus-worship. And for the moment, maybe you'll forget about all the messy stuff you don't understand.
You'll crush on Jesus because he endures the cross, or because he loves the children, or because he stands up to power, or because he does what's right. Whatever about Jesus turns you on.
Give it a year or two, then let me know if it gets you anywhere.
If the marriage analogy is a good one, which I'm not sure it is for individual relationships, (the Church is the Bride, not me), then let's think about where you are in your relationship. I'm certainly no expert, but I've read a lot of experts and heard a lot of experts who say that marriages do not retain their 'passion' for most of the duration of the marriage. A lot of times, the love that married couples feel is not passionate or lustful or exciting. Instead, it's constant, committed, and long-term. With careful tending, the passion can return. But it is not the same as it was before. It's usually deeper and more slow burning.
You say that you were once in 'love' with Jesus, but now you're not so sure you know what that means. I think that means that you are on a healthy course in your relationship with Him, as long as you remain constant and committed to the relationship, even if you don't 'feel' it.
For me, I don't 'feel' in love with Jesus right now. And I haven't for awhile. But I think it's a mistake to think that my relationship with Jesus is solely about emotion. I struggle in my relationship with Him because I don't understand Him and I am sometimes angry with the condition of the world. But I'm not walking away. I'm continuing to address my concerns and my anger and my failures to Him. I'm trying to be faithful in the midst of my mediocre relationship. And I think that's important.
It won't always remain mediocre (I hope!). One day, with work and careful attention, the relationship will deepen and perhaps the flame will return. But until it does, I don't think my relationship with Him has any less value than other people's who are full of passion and emotional love.
Maybe that's why I'm turned on by the idea of communal salvation. Because I feel most connected to Christ when I'm involved in the community. I meet Him there more than I do on my own. So it makes sense to me that my relationships with others are important and perhaps salvific.
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