Just how deafening is the silence?

Last Tuesday night, I went to church. Not my church, but a suburban church that holds a service for young singles. I went to the service pretty regularly right after I moved here, but then it got to be a little much for me (and the boy I was interested in quit showing up, too) so I haven’t been in a while.

A month or two ago I visited, and had a great time. I sat in the back of the dark church and just rested and listened. That’s really why I went back last week; I figured I could do the same thing again, but I was wrong. We were shoved into a small room, and there really was no “back” to hide in.

“Couldn’t you have rested and listened in the dark in your house?”, you might ask. Of course. But I wouldn’t have.

So there I was, amid the jumping young singles, not in the back, listening to the Singles Minister talk about fearing God and listening to his voice. He said that when you don’t hear God’s voice, it’s because you haven’t been faithful in listening. Or, usually, because God’s answer is no. But I, of course, have to disagree. I even went as far as taking personal offense.

Here’s the deal:
Over the last few weeks, I have been talking with some of the members and the preacher at my church about what it means to be Missional. As far as I can tell, this is a term coined by Christians, because those little squiggly red lines come up under it any time I type it. And it’s not in the dictionary.

The best way I can describe a Missional mindset is to say that it’s the effort to move the church, as a local body, from a Country Club Mentality (if you look like us and act like us and talk in a way that we approve of, you can join) to one where the members live out and participate in the Kingdom of God, whatever that means and whatever that looks like in their neighborhood. You can find some more info about it at these sites, but I only skimmed them, so I make no promises as to their specific intelligence, but I do think they’ll help explain the idea:
Friend of Missional
Internet Monk.Com
FAQs
ACU College of Biblical Studies Newsletter (first article only)

And I was asked to think about being on a Missional Steering Committee for our church, which is a 15-month commitment. This Missional idea really appeals to me, and it is something I feel strongly about. But they told us to pray about it, and some even said that we only needed to accept if we felt that we had a “calling” for this work.

So I asked God: Do I have a calling?

And God didn’t say anything.

So I asked some of my friends and family to pray.

And we asked God: Do I have a calling?

And still, no answer.

So I fasted. And I said: God, I want to do something. I feel strongly about this. Let me know if you don’t want me to do it.

And I just got hungry. Which made me cranky. And God sure didn’t budge.

So I figured that if God had a strong opinion, He or She had the responsibility and ample opportunity to let me know. But He or She had not. So I did what I thought was best. I accepted the invitation to be on the Steering Committee. I know the work will be hard, and annoying, at times, but I am amazed by the opportunity to dream about what our church should be, to dialogue with God about it (providing that He or She answers). There’s no right or wrong answer here, there’s no way to fail. We just want to become what God wants us to be where we are, and that’s HUGE.

And you know, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that God rarely speaks to me clearly. I can count on one hand the times that I have actually audibly heard God’s voice. And once it called my name. And the other times it told me that He or She loved me very much. I do tend to get a feeling that I should or shouldn’t do something, but I don’t know if that’s always God. Maybe it is.

I like what my friend Anne has to say about it in Plan B: "I try to listen for God’s voice inside me, but my sense of discernment tends to be ever so slightly muddled. When God wants to get my attention, She clears Her throat a number of times, trying to get me to look up, or inward–and then if I don’t pay attention, She rolls Her eyes, makes a low growling sound, and starts kicking me under the table with Her foot."

And right now, I’d really like God to give me some advice, some direction. Many times lately, I’ve felt like I’m in way over my head at work; I love that my bosses trust me and give me lots of responsibilities, but sometimes I feel way out of my league. I also feel responsible for fixing problems in our singles group that are not all my responsibility (and that I don’t know how to fix, anyway), and that’s a heavy burden to bear. I feel like I should be making friends elsewhere, but I don’t really have an elsewhere, so I’m worrying about how to get that done. Lately, I can’t handle certain boys anymore, and have just quit trying. Seriously. I’m quitting boys because there’s too much other crap going on, and I can’t handle it. Nor do I want to.

But that’s all to say that I’d really love to hear the voice of God, but based on experience, I’m not going to hold my breath. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that perhaps God is very intentional about the things I hear Him/Her say. Maybe God’s keeping it simple ‘cause that’s all I can handle. Or I all need to remember. If I try to remember too much at once, it starts to all fall out of my head, and I don’t remember any of it, so maybe God knows me well enough to help me out with that.