Daily Emails

I was cleaning out my inbox today, and found responses to some emails I'd written to some college buddies. Thought they might interest you. I apologize that they don't come with a cool Strongbad song.

About the new singles small group I joined through another church in the area:
The biggest news in my life currently is that my small group leader asked me to take attendance on Sunday nights. I guess this means I am an official member, and that I really have to be committed to attending now. Apparently, they asked another girl to do attendance before me, but then they figured out that it would be a better use of her spiritual gifts to coordinate our meal every week. (I agree, she’s a "take charge kinda gal" and seems to have great organizational skills, which makes her perfect for the job.) I guess, then, that means that my gift is attendance taking? I was really hoping on having some other kind of spiritual gift. I mean, I USED to have some other spiritual gifts. . .but I’m not sure that I have them anymore. Can you lose spiritual gifts? And then gain really boring new ones in their place?

I think, too, the people in the small group aren’t really sure how to handle me. The girls know that I did foot care and lived in the inner city for a year, which generally makes people assume that I am either really holy or really weird. (And let’s be honest--I am SO much closer to really weird.) I have a hard time coming up with things to talk about with all the group members, because I am trying to hide my flaming liberal-ness, at least for a while. I mean, you don’t give away all your quirks on a first date, right? So I think I either come off as bland because I'm introverted and people don’t know about my inner-city stuff, or holy/weird because they do. I think I am probably expecting too much too soon, but it doesn’t really feel like “home” to me, y’know? I want to have a group of people who really understands where I’ve been and the things I learned/believe because of it and who can support me in figuring out how to live my life as this person who is totally different from who she was three years ago. Maybe that’s just expecting too much in general, and I should be happy that perhaps I’m making friends with people who can go to the movies with me. Or maybe none of that can happen until I fess up to my flaming liberal-ness. I dunno.

About dating:
In other news, I made this deal with myself on my last birthday that if I was still single by my next birhtday, I’d start internet dating. (And then I hoped really hard that I wouldn’t be single on my next birthday because, really, who wants to internet date?) With my next birthday getting closer every day (and no interesting men in sight), I think I’ve changed my mind. The more I think about it, the more I realize that there are only so many hours in a day, and I only have so much time to devote to certain things in my life (and I already devote more to TV than I probably should). So why waste time going out on dates with stupid, scary men? It would make for some good stories, I’m sure, but I think I already have more than my share of good stories, at least where my love life is concerned. No, it seems more useful to devote my extra time to volunteering somewhere. I still tutor /play with kids at the afterschool program run by my church every other week, but it doesn’t seem like enough. Besides, I’d rather be known as someone who worked to make a difference than someone who had a lot of dates. (And, you know, as an added bonus, this means I get out of internet dating.) So now I’m looking for some other volunteer sites that will make me feel useful, like I have another purpose in life than getting up and going to work in the morning.

And about dating again:
I don't know, I blame culture and the church for teaching us that the only way we can be happy is if we are married. I mean, how many chick flicks have we seen that preach that message? And doesn't the church do a horrible job of meeting singles' needs? They're all about sermons on marriage and how to stay married, but how to be a good single seems to fall through the cracks somehow. And yet we grew up with all these sermons against divorce. So we're left with the message that we won't be happy until we're married, and we have to stay that way, so we'd better do a good job of picking a husband. That's a huge burden to carry, and I think that makes us put a lot of pressure on the beginning of the relationship. I mean, why waste time if he isn't "the one"? So we (at least those of us who are control freaks like me) want to know as soon as possible if he's the one, so if he's not, we can get on to finding one who's better. And I think as you get older, the amount of guys to choose from shrinks, so you feel increasing pressure with each year to find him and find him fast. But I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to know if a guy will be a good husband and father. That's important stuff to know. My problem is that I want fireworks and a flashing neon sign on the first date, and that doesn't always happen. In fact, I think it probably hardly ever happens.