A Big Tall Man on a Big White Horse

"The reason I never give up hope is that everything is basically hopeless. Hopelessness underscores everything--the deep sadness and fear at the center of life, the holes in the heart of our families, the animal confusion within us. When you do give up hope, a lot can happen. When it's not pinned wriggling onto a shiny image or expectation, it may float forth and open like those fluted Japanese blossoms, flimsy and spastic, bright and warm. This almost always seems to happen in community: with family, related by blood, or chosen; at church, for me; at peace marches." ~Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith

Alright, so there's this guy I met a month or two ago who I find. . .intriguing. I met him at night church, and he's very animated and funny and outgoing and confident and tall, and he seemed really interested in what I had to say.

And he sent some signals that I interpreted to mean that he was interested in me, too. (Who knows, though--guys are pretty weird about sending and receiving signals most of the time.)

The last time I saw him, though, was mid-March. I have continued going to these weekly church gatherings, but he hasn't been there in a while. (I admit that I skipped one week to hang out with my lil' sis from club, Misty, because she's so cute that you can't say no to her. And I stand by bros before hoes, anyway.) So there have been two services which I have attended that he has not.

My friend B says that I'm just interested in the idea of him. I don't completely agree, though. I mean, I agree that I want to make friends before I get all involved with a guy. But I met some of his friends, and I really liked them. I'd like to get to know them better, too. (But they're AWOL from church as well.) I mean, would it be such a horrible thing to have some people to hang out with who will invite me to the movies every once in a while? Would it?

And I'll admit, the last time or two that I went to that church service, I went just to see him. So my question is: "I go to church to see him; why can't he come to see me?"

I'm pretty sure that he remembers the name of the company I work for, and he knows the name of my apt. complex. He could track me down if he really wanted to. But he hasn't.

And I learned the hard way that if a guy's not pursuing me, then he's probably just not that into me.

But I want a good, concrete reason if I'm going to give him up completely. Like he has contracted flesh-eating bacteria, or he's pregnant, or he broke his arms and can't drive or dial, or he got kidnapped and was forced to listen to the theme song from Saved by the Bell over and over until his ears bled, and he's still scarred. I want some real closure here.

But my question is: how can I be sure that something's actually over if it never really started?

I suck at this dating-stuff. Good thing I'm "too cute to not get married," lol.