But he makes me want to vomit!

Yes, yes. More things I should probably be keeping to myself:

So here's what I want:

First, I have to tell you about the guy who was trying to pursue me at record speed. He was nice and nice-looking. We, surprisingly, had some similar interests. But the more I talked with him, the more I felt like there was something. . .missing, somehow. I never really looked forward to talking to him (probably partially because it was pretty awkward since we hardly knew each other) and I was just not sure there was any chemistry. I wouldn’t mind hanging out with him as a friend, but I wasn't so sure about this dating-thing.

I don’t know if this was because I was closing myself off or if I really felt that way, if there was really nothing between us. I’ve been thinking that perhaps my standards are too high; maybe I’m looking for something that doesn’t exist.

But then I talked to Karen at work. I love Karen; she’s one of my favorite coworkers. She’s spunky and funny and drop-dead gorgeous (so I have to hate her a little for that). Karen's one of two Black women who work in my office, and when someone gets her and the other Black lady confused (which happens a lot), she says, "No, that's the other Black girl," and people's eyes get really big and it makes me laugh a lot.

But she was really pulling for this guy. She liked him a lot and thought he was really nice and really wanted it to work out between us. But when I told her about how something was missing, she totally got it, which sort of surprised me. But then she told me about her late husband.

Karen’s in her early forties, but she married pretty early in life. She met her husband when she started college at the age of 18 and they married after she graduated, I think. I’m not sure how he died or when, but I get the feeling that they were married for quite a while. She said, though, that what they had was magical. Even after they had been married for years, her stomach still got a little funny when he walked into the room. And she says that’s important if you’re going to be intimate with someone.

She says that her friends are encouraging her to date, but she’s waiting for that fairy tale. And she admits that her friends sometimes accuse her of not giving guys a chance, but Karen says that she either knows or she doesn’t, and there’s no sense in wasting guys’ time or hers. She told me that it was good that I have high standards and to keep them. She thinks I should have what I want. She assured me that it does exist, you just don’t find it every day.

And as I walked back to my office, I wondered whether or not I had ever felt that way about a guy. . .all light-headed and nauseous. (I mean, I know I’ve felt that way because I was sick, but have I ever felt that way as the result of the presence of a man?)

I could think of two guys who had that effect on me, and neither of those relationships turned out well. Not only that, but they were SO LONG AGO! One of them was an experience in which I did all the pursuing (and finally gave up when I learned that if he doesn’t pursue me at the beginning then he can’t really want me as badly enough as I want to be wanted). The other was pretty traumatic and hurt me a lot. And I’ve never really felt all giggly and light-headed about a guy since, I guess. Sometimes I wonder if this is because I have grown up some or because I’m shielding myself from hurting that badly again. But even if I am, then I don’t know how to fix it. And I continued to feel nauseous about this second guy even when I saw him multiple times after he broke my heart. This got me into a lot of trouble, and I continually considered dating him again, but then one day I realized that whatever I used to feel was just. . .gone.

And I couldn't help feeling that I’m a horrible person for not being more excited about the guy who was pursuing me. But at the same time, it was painfully awkward. So I told him that we had no chemistry. (Although I don't know how he didn't get that it was awful to spend time together because we had nothing to talk about.)

But I want someone who makes me feel all tingly and slightly vomitous (I don't think that's a word, but I can totally hear Whitney using it, so I'm going to use it, too). I mean, it doesn't have to last forever, but it's important to me.

And you know, I've been accused almost all my life of having standards that are too high, but that's what I want. That's what I've been waiting for.

And I agree with Karen. I should have what I want.