I'm tired.
But I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't sleep if I went to bed right now, even though lately I have been waking up exhausted regardless of how much sleep I have just gotten.
I'm pretty stressed out, and my body rebelling hard-core. I have developed a new facial tic along with some impressive canker sores, my face is breaking out like crazy, I'm tired all the time and still having trouble getting rid of the congestion from my last illness and my Oakland-hates-me rash is coming back full-force. Also, the kids in the neighborhood have recently discovered fireworks, and so we are constantly hearing what sounds like a cannon being fired at our apartment at all hours. I need a vacation.
What's bothering me most right now, though, has less to do with my situation here than normal. I mean, I still disagree with the rules of the program I'm in, am still way out of my comfort zone, still feel lonely and unappreciated, now realize that my favorite service site and the only place here where anyone was excited to see me is out for the summer and am still incredibly burned out and ready to go home. (Oh, and Ruth and I are "disagreeing" about some things at the moment and she's leaving the clinic, so I've pretty much lost my closest and perhaps only friend here as well.)
But as I was saying, the thing on my mind most at the moment happens to be my parents' situation. For those of you who don't know, in January my dad was unceremoniously "asked for his resignation" by the elders of the church he had preached at for 22 years. And they didn't give him any warning or a reason. Just the promise of his salary for the next four months (which he got extended to six). Putting aside the fact that these men who have been like family to me just tore apart the church and stole something of great value from my dad (and the rest of us, who I doubt will ever go to church there again) when they should've been throwing him a party for his years of dedicated service, I'm worried about my parents' financial situation most. Dad's salary runs out the first of August along with my parents' medical insurance, and he doesn't seem much closer to finding a job than he did in January. (Apparently this whole "mid-life career change" thing is harder than it sounds. And it sounds pretty hard. There is a job in Abilene that I am really rooting for, but they haven't called him back yet.) When I talked to my Mom on Thursday she told me that they will just have to sit down and figure out a new budget. Which I think pissed me off most of all.
My parents are in their 50's. They're starting the golden years of their lives and should be planning retirement and the grand vacations they'll take with their grandson, not figuring out a new budget after losing over half of their combined income. This is not right; someone needs to be taking care of my parents. And I don't have the power or the resources to do so. And God doesn't seem to be dropping jobs into their laps. So I'm ticked off. And worried. Why isn't anyone doing anything? Why aren't the elders apologizing? What exactly is there to do? Who will take care of me when I get done here and no longer even have my $70 a month? Will I have to eat ramen while I search for a job? Will my parents have to eat mac & cheese until they're 80? Why isn't God DOING anything?
I don't know kids, I don't know.
posted by A. Lo @ 9:24 PM
4 Comments:
I don't know either, Abby. Maybe this is God's way of getting all the money possible from your old church to go to your dad. :) I don't know the circumstances around the salary extension, but it does seem to be something God could have softened the elders' hearts about. That's one thing to be thankful for.
And I've been expecting this whole time that God will provide a job at the last minute. It seems like something God might do as a test of faith or to show how his ways are better than ours. Or maybe he won't provide a job in the next month, and maybe they will have to do a new budget, but compared to the people you serve in Oakland, they're still very very rich. They will be fine with a smaller budget for a little while.
I don't blame you for being angry, and I don't expect my comments to help you feel better. I just wanted to share my thoughts and let you know that I'm praying for your parents and I hope you keep up the faith that God will provide.
I'm sorry that you're so tired and sick of everything. What you're doing is very hard and I admire you for sticking with it. Try to find little things to enjoy about your last moments there...you need to have as many good memories as possible!
I'm so excited your coming home soon. :)
-Amy
I forgot to mention that I totally agree with you that the church should have been throwing him a party rather than what the elders did. He did such a great job there and the congregation loved him. He deserved a party. I think a party would have been healthy for the congregation too! It would have been a nice way to say good-bye, and then you all could still feel comfortable visiting there sometimes. The whole situation is yucky. I'm sorry that it all happened.
“I remembered something Father Tom had told me–that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns. Faith also means reaching deeply within, for the sense one was born with, the sense, for example, to go for a walk.” ~Anne Lamott, Plan B
“We celebrated Good Friday that night, a week late. It’s a sad day, of loss and cruelty, and all you have to go on is faith that the light shines in the darkness, and nothing, not death, not disease, not even the government, can overcome it. I hate that you can’t prove the beliefs of my faith. If I were God, I’d have the answers at the end of the workbook, so you could check as you went along, to see if you’re on the right track. But nooooooo. Darkness is our context, and Easter’s context: without it, you couldn’t see the light. Hope is not about proving anything. It’s about choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us.” ~Anne Lamott, Plan B
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