Solitary Moaning

(I think these posts are like my own little psalms; some of them are happy and full of hope and some. . .are not.)

“ ‘The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone.’ ” ~Mitch Albom, The Five People you Meet in heaven

And yet I cannot help it. I don’t believe that I have ever in my life felt so alone. And I don’t feel it in a constant, throbbing way, but it’s always there, right under the surface, easily seen and felt when something small creates a ripple.

Something small like a discussion/conflict over miniscule and unimportant things which ends up taking on grandiose proportions in this tiny apartment which I inhabit. Something small like grieving the imminent demise of a friendship I was growing to feel comfortable in as well as the death of my childhood church. Something small like my family gathering without me. Something small like knowing myself to perhaps be the only thinker unafraid to “tell the truth the way I see it” in the program here. Something small like having my freedom to chose how I unwind ripped away. Something small like spending what seems like all my time with the same people. Something small like being faced daily with things like domestic violence, drug abuse, homelessness, racism, neglected children. Something small like being so far away from my family and friends.

I cannot help but think of Oxford, of all those talks we were given about culture shock, of being told that our friends would get sick of hearing our stories about our experiences since they wouldn’t be able to picture things the way we saw them.

And so I ask those of you who love me, are you willing to walk through this valley with me? Is it even possible for you to understand what I see, hear and experience here? Is it possible for me to adequately describe it to you? And, perhaps most importantly, do you have it in you to continue to listen to my whining?

This is no easy task, no easy decision. This is my year of suffering, I’m afraid, and the next six months will be hard. But I know I can’t do it alone. So, are you for me or against me? Will you walk this valley with me? Will you stand at the top of the mountain, look down and cheer me on? Will you pray for me daily and ask God to go where you cannot? To comfort me when you cannot? I openly admit that I need all the help I can get.