Update

So it turns out that we do know someone from New Orleans (Ashley), but I don't know if she's actually there right now or anything like that. Apparently Andy has talked to her, but I don't have all the info.

I'd still appreciate any more info YOU have, though!

Help!

So my friend Andy called today and wanted to know if I wanted to go to New Orleans and help with the hurricane relief there. And I said yes. I didn’t know until he called how much I really DO want to go and do something.

We didn’t talk long, but he put me in charge of finding other people like me who have no lives and no commitments and want to come to New Orleans with us to help out. Unfortunately, I don’t know many people of that persuasion. (Hey, do any of you want to come? We’d love to have you!)

So when I figured out that I would not meet my "person quota," I started looking online at how we could get involved once we got there. The Red Cross’s website informed me that to help them, I would first have to get trained by my local Red Cross and then perhaps respond to some local disasters first (fires, etc.). I called my Red Cross and am signed up to get trained at the beginning of next week, but I think Andy wants to go to New Orleans then, so that might not work out so well (especially if they want us to do stuff locally first; I mean, I hope to have a real job EVENTUALLY).

Then I took a peek at Compassion International and World Vision, but they didn’t have anything for me locally yet, so I started looking at churches in New Orleans, to see if perhaps someone there is doing something and would want our help. Unfortunately, I quickly discovered that there are a BUTTLOAD of churches and that I don’t know anything about the geography of New Orleans and where these places are located and whether or not THEY’RE the ones needing relief.

I now know that it would really help if I knew someone who attended church in New Orleans or was helping there or knew anything about disaster relief, but I don’t. So do you? It would be a BIG help to us, and I would really love to get to New Orleans as soon as we can. I really want to go and help, but I don’t want to just show up and get in the way instead. So please let me know if you know anyone or have any helpful ideas!

My grandmother wouldn't appreciate hearing this, but

It's official. I'm really tired of George Bush.

The disciples were called Christians first-

-when they began behaving like huge douchebags.

A strange and haunting thought came to me this morning as I sat through church: I now have a hard time making it through a service (especially through the prayers) without crying, for some reason. This has been occurring since I got back to Texas; thank goodness I no longer attend church religiously. (Hee hee.)

I think this is partly because I am falling apart. I realize that I have NO CONTROL over ANYTHING in my life, and that is incredibly scary and stressful to a control freak such as myself. I mean, really. I have no control over or even idea about who (if anyone) will hire me, where I will live, if I will have friends there, if my Dad is ever getting a job, when the house will sell, anything concerning my love life (the boys who used to be in love with me just aren't anymore, and that is disconcerting.)

I thought coming home would alleviate the stress I was feeling in CA, but it is in fact worse, and I think this could be because I don't really have a home. We're trying to sell the house I grew up in in and my parents are attempting to relocate to a town six hours away--Mom's there already--and I'm trying to find a place to live on my own. (But a job first, of course.)

And the things I used to find comforting aren't comforting anymore. I feel like there are very few people I can trust, and I have developed an especially nasty aversion to Christians.

I'm sure this is partly because I spent the year being let down by a whole slew of 'em. The Christians who were supposed to care about me and support me in my various pursuits in Oakland spent their time either trying to get me to follow their rules, ignoring me, telling me that I (1) wasn't feeling the things I was feeling, (2) shouldn't be talking about my feelings and struggles or (3) was a great asset to the program because I challenged things and then getting defensive and aggressive when I DID challenge things. The Christians who were supposed to be supporting and shepherding my father were firing him for no reason that we can deduce and refusing to support my work because it wasn't through a "Church of Christ program." Other Christians who I have known for a long time were being appalled at my "lack of faith" this year and promising me that God was going to make things GREAT if I would just wait (or offering other annoying platitudes).

I am also annoyed with Christians in general, for missing the point of everything Jesus ever said and making him into an impotent, all-loving, docile white man who doesn't care what you do with your money as long as it doesn't involve illegal drugs or child prostitution and for only being concerned about politics as they apply to abortion and homosexual marriage.

And what's up with this God guy (or gal)? I'm still annoyed that He hasn't helped my Dad out with a job. Sorry, I'm trying not to be, but it isn't working very well. I mean, if His people hadn't completely screwed over my dad, then he would be living in the same area code as his wife and wouldn't be considering when he'd have to start applying for jobs at Target. (He told me the other day that he's not quite ready yet to be considering that option, just FYI.)

I know, I know, God isn't there just to give us the things we think we need. And I know that Dad will be fine (so if any of you Christians were planning to mention that, I got it covered). I mean, I know that I am incredibly blessed, that God has done lots of things for me. But what good is God if He doesn't show some major muscle where His people are concerned? My Dad continues to amaze me by proving what an extraordinary and forgiving man he is by going to church with the people who fired him and doing funerals for their nephews and visiting their families in the hospital. And I'm doing my best to forgive them. But why is God so quiet? Why didn't he set the elders' lawns on fire when my Mom's best friend asked them to? (I'm sort of kidding about that one, so calm down.)

Now I know that God was and is working through some of the "Good Christians." Some of the people from church have done everything in their power to help us out, from bringing my Mom chocolate to checking on us and asking if we need money. Some of them helped my Mom get a job and are now working to do the same for Dad and me. Some of them listened to me whine during my banishment in California and prayed for me and sent money and presents. I know that not all Christians are bad. But I just seem to know so many more of the bad than the good. How do I deal with that?

How do I find a church where I fit in? I don't fit in at those suburban churches who waste their money and I don't fit in at the inner city churches where I always feel awkward and uncomfortable. Guess I don't have to worry about that yet, but it is a thought running through my mind as I cry through various Sunday morning services.

Regardless, I now know that I feel out of place at both of the churches I have attended in the past two weeks. One of them was too much like the church I grew up in, and I felt like everyone was judging me (my neurosis, not theirs, I know). And the other was one where I should've felt at home, but I didn't. There are some good people there, but don't know many of them very well (which is awkward). I guess I should admit that I never felt "at home" in the second one, that I never really connected with anyone I met there. That's nobody's fault, I think we were just all to busy "working" to have time to connect, at least at the time I was there. And a lot of the consistent members there are married, and it can be hard to feel comfortable in that kind of group, at least for those of us who are above 18 and still single.

So thank you, Good Christians. Keep doing what you're doing. I know you're not perfect, but thanks for doing what you can. Now, how can we figure out where the Bad ones live and set their lawns on fire? (I mean, we should at least have some kind of retribution so we can feel vindicated when we have to spend eternity with them, right?)

Some thoughts from Anne Lamott

These come from Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith.

"I try to listen for God’s voice inside me, but my sense of discernment tends to be ever so slightly muddled. When God wants to get my attention, She clears Her throat a number of times, trying to get me to look up, or inward–and then if I don’t pay attention, She rolls Her eyes, makes a low growling sound, and starts kicking me under the table with Her foot."

"One secret of life is that the reason life works at all is that not everyone in your tribe is nuts on the same day. Another secret is that laughter is carbonated holiness."

"I am going to pray for our president to believe that all people deserve to be fed, and to try to make that a reality. Bush believes in serving the poor, but only when they are the ‘deserving’ poor. What on earth does that mean? If I were more spiritually evolved, I would mail him a friendly card, because if you want to change the way you feel about people, you have to change the way you treat them. I know that Bush is family, and that I am supposed to love him, but I hate this–he is a dangerous member of the family, like a Klansman, or Osama bin Laden. Maybe I can’t exactly forgive him right now, in the sense of canceling my resentment and judgment. But maybe I can simply acknowledge what is true, spiritually–that he gets to come to the table and eat, too; that I would not let him starve."

"But I know two things now that I didn’t at thirty: That when we get to heaven, we will discover that the appearance of our butts and our skin was 127th on the list of what mattered on this earth. And I am not going to live forever. Knowing these things has set me free."

"I remembered something Father Tom had told me–that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns. Faith also means reaching deeply within, for the sense one was born with, the sense, for example, to go for a walk."

And this is my favorite: "The next morning I got on my knees and prayed, ‘Please, please help me. Please let me feel You while I adjust to not getting what I was hoping for.’ And then I remembered Rule 1: When all else fails, follow instructions. And Rule 2: Don’t be an asshole."

Sad, sad news

I am addicted to The Gilmore Girls. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But A. Lo, The Gilmore Girls airs on the WB, the same network that airs things like Buffy and Angel and a lot of other useless crap."

And normally I would agree with you. But trust me, The Gilmore Girls is a very witty, well-thought out show with at least 10 references per episode that are completely over my head. I love it! And let's be honest, being addicted to a show that airs on the WB is better than being addicted to crack or plastic surgery or Richard Simmons infomercials. And besides, I'm watching seasons one through three on DVD, which is not the same as watching it on the WB.

And it is nice to have something semi-safe to be addicted to at this point in my life. (I mean, you know, something that will not rot my intestines or destroy my credit rating or get me pregnant or end up feeding me Kool-Aid laced with cyanide.) This is partially because I have become very, very weird after my year in California as a nun. I'm all depressed and I cry more than usual and am still eating at an above-average rate, but now I can drink grown-up things as well, which makes things a lot more interesting, at least.

Although I have to admit that much of this weirdness could come from stressors which were waiting for me here at home. One of those was seeing a bunch of elders--the ones who fired my father--at a funeral for a 23-year-old guy I grew up with. And seeing all his family and a bunch of other people I hadn't seen in six months since I refuse to attend church there and realizing that although those people used to be like family to me, they hadn't made any effort to get in touch with my family or with me. It was like there was a big divorce and the other side got to keep all the friends.

And the next day we shipped my Mom off to start a new job six hours away while Dad and I stayed here to sell the house I grew up in and look for jobs ourselves. Please also note that this requires lots and lots of cleaning and packing. Anyone who has ever lived with me can tell you that that's not my thing.

And let me tell you that no one is falling all over themselves to hire me yet. Why not? They must be intimidated by all my skills and good looks. Or maybe word got out that I now know how to knit. I hear lots of people find that formidable these days.

And God and I have been in opposite corners for a while now, or it at least feels that way. Still don't know what to do about that.

In other news, I just got an unconfirmed report that my 27-year-old ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend. She, however, happens to be 19. Now not only does this suck because I am so, so single that it's sad, but he wins the whole "who-gets-a-significant-other-first" race. Not to mention the fact that she was potty-training while he was going through puberty and that he was dating me when she was going to her senior prom (which was last year, folks). Let me also mention that to catch up with him I'd have to find a 15-year-old to date. Ewwww.

That's it. Best friends, when you're all in the same country and have quit making trips to the emergency room, we are going to Chili's for those huge margaritas that I like.

Okay, I'm more depressed now. Going to watch another episode of The Gilmore Girls.