My So-Called Life

Monday, November 29, 2004

My Heart for Yours

By Zane Williams.

Day after day there’s a wall in my way
As I kneel and I pray
I could be just like you.
No matter how hard I try
there’s a moat in my eye,
And I can’t seem to cry
It out with all my tears.

My God, I know that you’re real,
So come on, let’s make a deal.

I’ll give you my heart if you’ll give me yours
I’ll trade you my will for your own.
Give me less of myself and give your holiness more;
I’ll give you my heart if you’ll give me yours.

All that I need is a heart that will bleed
when I look and I see
all the hurt in the world.
If you’ll grant my request
I can give you my best
and I won’t stop to rest
until you bring me home.

My God, I’m down on my knees,
Come on, I’m beggin’ please.

I’ll give you my heart if you’ll give me yours,
I’ll trade you my will for your own.
Give me less of myself and give your holiness more;
I’ll give you my heart if you’ll give me yours.

Like my Lord as he died,
Crucified on the tree just for me,
Let me be the one who will come
to bring hope in a world that needs your love so much.
I need your love so much.

Day after day there’s a wall in my way
As I kneel and I pray
I could be just like you.
No matter how hard I try
There’s still a moat in my eye,
And I can’t seem to cry
It out with all my tears

My God, I know that you’re real,
Come on, let’s make a deal.

I’ll give you my heart if you’ll give me yours,
I’ll trade you my will for your own.
Give me less of myself and give your holiness more;
I’ll give you my heart if you’ll give me yours.

*Yeah, that's what I want.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Ultimate Female Bonding

The four girls I live with are now, officially, my roommates, and have been since last night. Here’s how it happened:

Noel came into the living room and asked if anyone minded if she took a shower. Kristi jokingly said yes, SHE wanted to shower, so Noel invited Kristi to join her. When it became clear that Kristi wasn’t serious, Noel yelled about how she was a liar, etc. etc.

So, after Noel had been in the shower a few minutes, I suggested we pay her a visit, so Emily, Kristi and I donned our swimsuits and joined her in the shower. She appreciated it, I think, but it was hard to tell with that shocked look on her face. I made her scoot back enough so we could all fit, and then we got cold, so we left her to have some alone time. It beat when I changed the background on Meredith’s computer (she’s my roommate who’s the staunch democrat) to George W. Bush the day after the election.

When Noel got out of the shower, she informed all of us that she “had plans for us.” I have now started locking the bathroom door when I shower, though, so I’m not worried.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Hey, Baby

I'm so tired of walking down the street and getting stared at/drooled over/hit on. I can't even go to the library in my huge T-shirt and baggy jeans without hearing at least one "Hooooola!" C'mon, dude. My hair's in pigtails, I'm not wearing makeup and I seriously look about 17.

That is one thing I miss about the 'burbs: the way men hit on women. If I went somewhere in my nice, safe suburbs, I could count on being checked out, given the once over and perhaps (on a good night) getting spoken to suggestively. And even then I would have been dressed up and at least fixed my hair.

Now I get honked at, yelled at and seriously stared at almost everywhere I go. My favorite, however, has to be that clicking noise guys make as my roommates and I walk by. It sounds like the way some people call their dogs to come. I wonder how many times that has worked for these guys; how many women drop everything they're doing and say, "How hot! Let's have sex RIGHT NOW!"

I'm pretty sure that most of this attention I get is just because I'm a white woman in a place where that is an anomaly. Unless these guys are just into huge T-shirts, baggy jeans, no makeup and pigtails.

Community

It occurs to me suddenly how unnatural this community is in which I find myself. Surely it is impossible to build true community without first establishing a basis of love for each other. Instead, we are thrown together by a program which knows we probably have little else in common than our love for and belief in the saving power of Jesus Christ, and we are expected us to build an instantly loving community. Impossible? No. Improbable? Yes.

It seems to me that we will not fail in achieving affection for one another (for it comes with proximity and not necessarily intimacy) but real, true love will be harder to come by.

I seriously doubt this is how the church in Acts built community. And I doubt they went around referring to it as such all the time.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

November Newsletter

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." ~John 13:34-35

“Once you get a handle on the infinite cycle of the restless existence of all things, do you despair or do you willingly take your place in the circle? Does enlightenment lead to sorrowful disengagement or willing participation? Once you know where the roller coaster is going, are you still in for the ride?” ~Robert Fulghum, Uh-Oh, Some Observations From Both Sides of the Refrigerator Door

Happy November! It’s hard to believe that I have been in Oakland for over two months (and that Christmas break is quickly approaching).

I am still enjoying my service sites and am learning to love the diversity that comes from serving homeless men two days a week and elementary-aged children on the other two.

The hardest part of this month for me has been neighborhood outreach. Getting to know and finding opportunities to love our neighbors has been harder than I imagined. I think I expected that it would function much as fishing did for Ernie on Sesame Street.

I can remember watching Bert and Ernie sit on a calm lake in a small canoe and attempt to catch fish. Nothing worked for Bert–as usual–but all Ernie had to do was yell, “Here, fishie, fishie, fishie,” and the fish would just start jumping into the canoe. This caused Bert great frustration, of course, and I don’t believe he caught any fish at all.

I suppose I expected to show up in our little apartment here and watch the neighbors flock to us. Why wouldn’t they? We came to love them, after all.

Unfortunately, my fishing skills are much more akin to Bert’s than Ernie’s, and I’m finding that people are suspect of us, probably for good reason. We most likely don’t act like any neighbors they’ve ever had before, and I bet that I would be doubtful of someone who didn’t fit the neighborhood profile and was so interested in getting to know me.

I also suppose that I came here with grand expectations of what my teammates and I would be able to accomplish in our neighborhood in a year. I envisioned that we would have made all sorts of relationships and positive changes in this area by the time we moved out in August.

I am, however, once again learning to revise my expectations in humility. God can and is doing great work here, but I am learning that real progress comes from years and years of work. Now, my goal for this short year is to have just one relationship in which I can positively influence the life of one person in this neighborhood this year. I’m no longer looking to end the prostitution or gang activity here; I just want to have a crack at increasing the Shalom of the world by improving one person’s life.

During orientation we discussed Shalom as not just peace, but a return to the way God intended life to be for every person. This may include freedom from poverty, the right to pursue a fruitful life or the ability and opportunity to cultivate a meaningful relationship with God. Cornelius Plantinga says, “In the Bible, shalom means universal flourishing, wholeness, and delight, in which natural needs are satisfied, natural gifts fruitfully employed–the whole process inspiring joyful wonder as the creator and savior of all opens doors and speaks welcome. Shalom, in other words, is the way things ought to be.”

Pursuing Shalom is now my goal for neighborhood outreach. But it’s still hard.

And it’s not much easier to pursue it in my apartment, either. Christian community is a challenging prospect, but I believe that it is one more way that our neighbors may see us as real human beings, as humans who strive to love God and his people even when we don’t always agree. It has been good for me so far, and as a great English author once said, “We need others physically, emotionally, intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves.”

It may be that I am the student more than the teacher this year.

So I would ask your prayers as I undertake neighborhood outreach this year as well as living in Christian community. I am blessed by wonderful roommates who are teaching me about God and myself in some pretty interesting ways.

Please remember my roommate Noel in your prayers as well. As I write this she is back home in Appleton, Wisconsin, mourning the death of a friend. We are all feeling her absence from the household, and her loss has proved to us that we really are a team, a family unit in which each part works for the good of the family and genuinely cares.

As always, God has been good to me, especially by blessing me with supporters like you.

Cute Boys, Ice Cream and Salsa

I need to write about the things that have happened to me the last few days, but it’s a daunting task. And I’m lazy.

But I’ll start on Friday, since it was one of the best days since I’ve been here.

I went to the clinic because the school was closed and stopped by the farmer’s market on the way. I love the farmer’s market; the stalls of flowers are my favorite, and just walking around and seeing all the people and trying free fruit samples make me happy.

Once I got to the clinic, I did some small jobs for Phyllis as I listened to country music on the radio (something I don’t really get to do in the apartment).

After Ruth got there we talked and I read some curriculum and ate lunch with the guys in downstairs. I then walked Ruth to Starbucks, where she had a date to have coffee with our favorite program guy who left last week, but he never showed up, so we made our way to the farmer’s market, since she had never been to one.

As we walked down the street looking at all the different fruits, vegetables, etc., a guy stopped us and asked if we had a few minutes. Ruth was closest to him, so she said yes, which made me VERY happy, because he happened to be incredibly attractive, and not attractive in that “I’m too pretty for you” kind of way, but attractive in an approachable way, which is better by far. And he was tall and had nice teeth. (Remember, the only guys around my age who I have met happen to be off limits to me, so this is really the first time in a while that I have been “allowed” to consider someone attractive. Big deal.)

He explained briefly that he was working for an environmental cause, trying to get cruise ships to stop dumping their waste in the ocean and wanted to sign us up for a mailing list or something, at which point Ruth stopped him and explained that we have no money because we’re volunteers.

He was impressed. “You guys came all the way from Australia to be volunteers?” he asked.

Ruth nodded, but I had to admit that I actually happen to be from Texas.

We probably talked to him for twenty minutes or so, during which he got more and more attractive, until we started talking about the election and he mentioned that he was so sad Kerry lost that he smoked the entire next day.

Crap. Not so attractive anymore.

But we told him all about our work with feet, and he seemed pretty interested, so we invited him to come and try it with us sometime. He said he would, but I’m not going to hold my breath.

After we walked away Ruth said, “I think he fancied you.”

I don’t think he did–he talked to her just as much as he did to me, but it’s a nice thought, anyway.

We went back to the clinic and I spent some more time talking, reading curriculum and fighting with the copy machine, and then we let ourselves off early.

I accompanied Ruth to Chinatown, where we bought her a phone card, and we happened to run into one of our clinic regulars, who was drunk, as usual.

When we asked him where the friends who usually accompany him happened to be, he said, “Well, I haven’t seen them because I just got back from. . .”

[Insert 30-second pause here.]

Ruth filled the pause with “Jail?” I love Ruth.

At which point he made a face and began to yell at a guy who happened to be passing by, “Help, help! I’m being harassed by two beautiful women!”

The passerby then looked at us and our friend and said, “Lucky you, man. Good for you.”

We laughed and talked to him for a few more minutes, until he started to get incoherent, and then Ruth suggested we get some ice cream at Rite Aid (one scoop for $1, two for $1.50).

“Just what I need,” I said, “since I’m gaining weight and I’m poor. . .let’s go!”

So we made our way to Rite-Aid and chatted with the ice cream lady, who only charged us $1 for TWO scoops of ice cream, which was great. I then made Ruth wander around the store with me and look at Christmas decorations, which I loved.

After we finished our snacks, I caught the bus home with Meredith, one of my team members. Nothing much happened for the rest of the night, until Kristi and I decided to go hear some salsa music at a cafe. . .at which point things got much more interesting.

We dressed up a little, but I didn’t have any real salsa clothes, so my outfit consisted of a sweater and jeans. I did, however, fix my hair and wear some real makeup for the first time in about a six weeks or so. I have some pictures.

We caught the bus in the dark, which was an experience in itself, and ended up at the cafe which was a nice little place–tablecloths and everything.

As we came in the door, an older guy looked at me and said, “Hey! I’ve never seen you here before! What’s your name?”

I told him, but Kristi kept quiet, at which he said, “What’s your friend’s name?”

I told him that, too, and then we got seated, which made me happy.

The live music happened to be pretty close to the bar, and we got seated right next to the incredibly small dance floor, so we had a really good view of the dancing, which was great.

It took everyone a few songs (and probably a few beers) before they headed out to the dance floor, but I had a great time watching and trying to learn by sight.

Right after the music started, a group of three guys sat at a table on the other side of the dance floor, and they took some interest in us (or so Kristi says). I didn’t notice them checking us out, which was weird, since I usually have pretty good radar. Anyway, these guys were probably mid-thirties and all had long, dark hair, and one of them had a button-down shirt with a bright picture of the Virgin of Guadalupe printed on it. I honestly don’t know how to give you an accurate picture of them; maybe you just had to be there.

So after the first few songs, two of these guys got up and asked us to dance. (Kristi got the one with the cool Virgin shirt, just FYI.) We told them we didn’t know how, but they said they’d teach us and that it was easy.

We probably looked like the white girls we are, but the dance was fun (and long!) and we had a good time.

They returned us to our seats, and then the guy who had originally asked me to dance–I think his name was Ernesto–asked Kristi to dance next. Much to my chagrin, I never got to dance with Virgin-of-Guadalupe-Shirt-Guy.

I did, however, get to watch Kristi dance, which was really cute.

After the band went off the stage, the music continued over the loud speaker, and Ernesto came up and asked me to dance again. On our way out to the floor he saw some members of the band and greeted them in Spanish and then introduced me.

We danced again, and he taught me some more steps; I was having a great time until I could hear his buddies talking to him in Spanish. Luckily, they had no idea that I could understand them, but I heard them yell, “Turn her around, turn her around,” at which point he did, so that my very flat butt (which I have recently learned I like to shake a lot) was pretty close to their table.

After the dance, I told Kristi about what had happened and suggested we pay and get out of there. As we paid, though, my friend Ernesto came up and asked me to dance one more time. I saw no harm in it, so I agreed. This was the meringue.

To keep a long story short, Ernesto got a little fresh (I’ll give you the demonstration if you want), and Noel is still appalled that I continued to dance with him. It wasn’t that bad.

But anyway, after the song was over, we headed out of there pretty quickly just to wait for the bus in a dark and shady part of town. As we walked down the street I said, “I miss our guys!”

So now Kristi and I have effectively recruited two guys from different teams to take salsa lessons with us, and we’re excited because we know they won’t try to feel us up.

Okay, this is really long and I haven’t even gotten to Saturday yet (it included the second domestic disturbance that at least one of our team members has witnessed, just to keep a long story short). So I think I’ll save it for another time.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Excerpt from an email to Gina:

It has been an interesting day at the clinic.  This morning, one of the guys in the rehab program–who has the habit of winking and staring at me (I hear he flirts with the girls who are there on Wed. as well, but I've never seen it firsthand)–came in asking for vitamins.  When I brought him some, he was all, "Oh, thank you, you're WONDERFUL, God bless you," while looking deeply into my eyes.  He acted like I had just found the cure for cancer instead of pouring some vitamins into a small paper envelope.  Just gotta laugh sometimes.
 
One of the guys we saw for the first time today was pretty interesting as well.  He told me all about how the FBI implanted a tracking device in one of his fingers while he slept in a shelter (because he had served 17 years in prison) and stuff like that.  The lady sitting beside him as he got his feet done made the mistake of pulling her cell phone out of her pocket, at which point he yelled, "Don't point that thing at me!  Don't point any electrical devices at me!"  He then picked up his jacket and used it as a shield between himself and her.  We just tried to get him out of the clinic ASAP.  I rarely have a dull day here!

So it's off to the elementary school tomorrow. The fun never ends here in California!

The gift that keeps on giving

So for my team night tonight we each got 10-minute massages, and I would like to say that if anyone is searching for a Christmas gift for me, a 30-minute massage would be a great idea, just FYI.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

You're so vain. . .

. .You probably think this post is about you. But it’s not. It is, as most things on this blog, about me.

“All human beings pass away. Do not let your happiness depend on something you may lose. If love is to be a blessing, not a misery, it must be for the only Beloved who will never pass away.

Of course this is excellent sense. Don’t put your goods in a leaky vessel. Don’t spend too much on a house you may be turned out of. And there is no man alive who responds more naturally than I to such canny maxims. I am a safety-first creature. Of all arguments against love none makes so strong an appeal to my nature as ‘Careful! This might lead you to suffering.’

To my nature, my temperament, yes. Not to my conscience. When I respond to that appeal I seem to myself to be a thousand miles away from Christ. If I am sure of anything I am sure that His teaching was never meant to confirm my congenital preference for safe investments and limited liabilities. I doubt whether there is anything in me that pleases him less. And who could conceivably begin to love God on such a prudential ground–because the security (so to speak) is better? Who could even include it among the grounds for loving? Would you choose a wife or a Friend–if it comes to that, would you choose a dog–in this spirit? One must be outside the world of love, of all loves, before one thus calculates. Eros, lawless Eros, preferring the Beloved to happiness, is more like Love himself than this.

. . .We follow One who wept over Jerusalem and at the grave of Lazarus, and, loving all, yet had one disciple whom, in a special sense, he ‘loved.’ St. Paul has a higher authority with us than St. Augustine–St. Paul who shows no sign that he would not have suffered like a man, and no feeling that he ought not so to have suffered, if Epaphroditus had died (Phil. II, 27).

Even if it were granted that insurances against heartbreak were our highest wisdom, does God Himself offer them? Apparently not. Christ comes at last to say, ‘Why hast thou forsaken me?’

There is no escape along the lines St. Augustine suggests. Nor along any other lines. There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket–safe, dark, motionless, airlessit will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”
~C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

So it seems that a lot of the people I am close to in Mission Year are undergoing some sort of tragedy. Ruth, who I work with at the foot clinic, just found out the man she thought she’d marry has a new girlfriend. She’s crushed.

Emily, one of my roommates, is dealing with a lot of stuff in her own life.

Kristi, another one of my roommates, is just a bit discouraged lately (which we were told last night is normal).

Noel, one of my roommates, found out today that her old roommate’s boyfriend (a friend of hers as well) was killed in a car accident last night. She found out this morning, and we have spent the day doing what we can to encourage her, booking her an airline ticket and taking her to the San Francisco airport.

So if I sound sad, that’s probably why. Up until today, I was incredibly burdened by the fact that I have no personal space, no alone time and nothing that belongs to me alone. I can’t even take a shower or use the computer without feeling guilty. I pretty much reached my breaking point last night after everyone went to bed, and I just didn’t know how much I could take.

But something good has come out of Noel’s tragedy, and her pain has really brought us together as a group. It has become clear that we really ARE a team, and that no one else in my life can really understand what’s going on here except them.

It has also become clear that I will emerge from this year a little more battered and bruised than when I started. But at least I’ll be able to think of myself as battle-scarred.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

By Jars of Clay

I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
Sought the company of fools instead of friends

You know I’ve been unfaithful
Lovers in lines
While you’re turning over tables
With the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
Thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you
And your love of a jealous kind
Love of a jealous kind

Tryin’ to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
For solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I’d rather feel the pain all too familiar
Than be broken by a lover I don’t understand
‘Cause I don’t understand

One hundred other lovers more, one hundred other altars
If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
And love that shames the wise, betrays the heart’s deceit and lies
And breaks the back of foolish pride

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Some of another SheDaisy song. . .

A peppy one I like a lot.
"360 Degrees"

I wish you lived on the corner where I live
so I could look at you all the day long.
You got me flippin my lid yeah,
flippin my thumbs
'cause I want me some,
Oooh, just a little bit of you.
Am I makin’ you uncomfortable?

And if you lived on the corner where I live,
I’d hang around like an apple in a tree,
borrow some bread, stick of butter, cup of milk,
and some sugar for me;
I’m cookin’ somethin’ sweet.

Oooh, just a little bit of you

Lookin’ once, lookin’ twice
better get me a bucket of ice
Go on, do whatever you do.
I’ll just sit here enjoyin’ the view,
whistlin’ Dixie, 360 degrees of you.

I picture me twisted up in your t-shirt,
pink lemonade and a squeaky porch swing.
Don’t know your name yet
I guess it wouldn’t hurt if you gave me a ring–
a big diamond ring

Sad song to match my mood

"Come Home Soon," by SheDaisy

I put away the groceries
and I take my daily bread.
I dream of your arms around me
as I tuck the kids in bed.

I don’t know what you’re doin’
and I don’t know where you are,
but I look up at that great big sky
and I hope you’re wishing on that same bright star

I wonder, I pray.
And I sleep alone and I cry alone,
and it’s so hard livin’ here on my own.
So please,
come home soon.
Come home soon.

I know that we’re together even though we’re far apart
and I wear our lucky penny ‘round my neck, pressed to my heart.

I wonder, I pray
I sleep alone, I cry alone, and it’s so hard livin’ here on my own.
So please,
come home soon.

I still imagine your touch.
It’s beautiful missin’ something that much,
but sometimes love needs a fighting chance
so I’ll wait my turn until it’s our turn to dance.

I wonder, I pray
I sleep alone, I cry alone, without you this house is not a home.
So please,
come home soon.

I walk alone, I try alone, and I wait for you. . .
don’t wanna die alone.

So please,
come home soon.

Are you there, God? It's me, Abby.

Ruth and I found out today that one of our favorite guys in the rehab program might be leaving. . .by the end of this week.

It’s a long story; he can’t stay in the program and collect some government money at the same time, so he’s choosing the money; he’s hoping to use it to support himself while he goes to school. He’s not in the program because of any substance abuse problems but more because of depression and stuff like that.

And I’m sad, because this choice will mean that he will have no place to stay for two weeks, possibly more. And the amount of money that he’ll be collecting isn’t that much. And he’ll be gone from the program and out of my life. . .and he’s the only guy there who I really have a connection with. Guess I’m grieving a little; I'm really bummed.

He’s scared and stressed and wondering if he’s making the right decision. Ruth doesn’t think he is. I think that if he stayed in the program he wouldn’t be happy because he’d always be thinking about the money that he passed up.

So I don’t have the answer, and the thought of him leaving is sad. Please keep him in your prayers.

And I’m so tired of everything. I love my roommates, they’re great, but I’m tired of not having any personal space and having to be with them and all emotionally vulnerable all the time (while knowing I have to be positive and that some of the things I’m feeling I can’t discuss with my team members).

This would be a great time for you to swoop in and fix some stuff, God.