My So-Called Life

Monday, August 30, 2004

September 1, 1939 by W.H. Auden

You should read this poem; I'm liking it.

http://www.poets.org/poems/poems.cfm?prmID=1391

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Packing

Excerpt from my handbook:
"This isn't a week at camp, so we want you to be properly prepared. On the other hand, you should start getting used to the idea that your residence will not have all of the comforts of home. Don't even think about bringing your Star Wars Action Figure Collection or all 300 CD's in your music library. Think Chewbacca only and 'The Best of Menudo' instead."

Friday, August 27, 2004

Ranting: Advice on House Buyers

One of my best friends is buying a house. She is 22 years old and just happens to be single. Today, when she told a coworker that she would be spending next week moving, the coworker asked, "Oh, are you getting engaged?" as if getting engaged were the only good reason for a 22-year-old woman to be moving.

This friend also said that if one more person asks her if she is moving into a house by herself?! she is going to hurt someone. I can't say that I blame her.

What is wrong with people? I am appalled. My friend is taking a big step, a leap of faith, doing something scary and exciting and absolutely right, and people don't understand. It's as if they think she should just live at home until she gets married, as if she should refrain from taking any big steps in her life, avoid settling down at all unless she is tied down. There's nothing wrong with wanting your friends/family members/self to get married, but there is something wrong with the mindset that life does not begin until then.

As a single woman I find that "logic" offensive and absolutely archaic. My friend has every right to live her life and to keep it moving in a forward direction instead of sitting around at her parents' house, hoping her prince will ride up and start making all her choices for her, and I wish people would quit being so shocked by her incredibly brave decision to do so.

I would say that perhaps the people making such stupid comments are older, from my parents' generation, the generation of many people who have said to me that they sent their children to college to find "Good Christian spouses." (Let me say here that I was one of the few of my family to win that game. I even get extra points for bringing home a boy from a different denomination. Perhaps I get points deducted for having to have the "Are you a Lesbian" conversation with my mother before my Junior year, but I still come out ahead.)

However, these people are of all different ages, and they are all a little stupid, bless their hearts.

So you, smart people, intelligent readers of this blog: next time you meet someone who is moving, congratulate them if it is because they are engaged (I mean, that's a good thing, even I would like to get married someday). But if they are moving (especially if they are buying a house) and single--and not moving to be near someone of the opposite sex--be proud of them for not being afraid to live their lives. This is a great thing, one which requires large amounts of faith and causes even larger amounts of stress.

Barbie, you are doing the right thing, and I am in awe of your bravery and so proud of you.

Less than Perfect

Yesterday I went shopping for wedding/baby gifts, and as I was turning out of the shopping center at Everhart and SPID I saw a man with a cardboard sign. It said "Homeless/Broke." I kept on driving.

But I kept thinking about that man for the rest of the afternoon, and decided to drive back by the shopping center on my way home; I figured I could offer to buy his lunch at the Pizza Hut less than a block over. When I got back to the shopping center, however, he was gone. I had missed my chance.

Later that afternoon I was at home and the phone rang; it was a lady calling for my Dad. She said that it was urgent, that she had run into some bad luck and needed some help. She told me she was related to a family we know well who attends church with us. She sounded worried, but I figured that all I could do was take a message. She hesitated as I said goodbye, and right after I hung up the phone, I thought, "I should've asked if she wanted to pray with me," but it didn't cross my mind until it was too late.

I said a prayer for her anyway, but I know it wasn't quite the same. I had a chance to bless her life, and I couldn't take it because I didn't recognize it quickly enough.

But I want to learn how to see these things more quickly, to be more bold and fearless, to take chances for Christ, to be the kind of Christian who loves above everything else, who thinks of others before my own self-consciousness.

I can only pray that Mission Year and the transforming power of Christ help me to do so.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

To "Missing the Pics in Princeton"

If you were a friend of my brother's or something, and if I thought you were sincere, I'd say yes if you asked me out.

But only if you quit trying to put my Mom in a box. (Whatever that means).

~A

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

A Self-Image Story

Dad told this story Sunday night, and although I don't know where he heard it, I thought it was good.

Once, a man in an African village went to the chief of his tribe and asked to marry the chief's daughter. No one could understand why, because this girl looked neither beautiful nor built for hard work (and, of course, that was the most important consideration in a bride).

The most surprising thing about this marriage proposal was, however, the price the man was willing to pay for the girl. He offered the chief 10 cows for her.

The chief was taken aback. He expected one or perhaps two cows for his daughter, but 10 was beyond his wildest dreams! Being no fool, however, he accepted.

The most extraordinary part of this story, though, is the description of what happened to the daughter. Even before the wedding she was slowly transformed into the most beautiful and healthy looking woman in the camp because she was a 10 cow woman. Knowing she was worth a great price made her so.

Monday, August 23, 2004

To Anonymous

(If you are wondering what this is, see "New Haircut" comments).

Hi,

Thanks for your post and your interest in my blog. It was. . .slightly provocative. But I have to say that I don't think you will date me. In fact, I'm almost positive. Here are some reasons why and my reply to your post:

1.) Yes, I am funny in person, but I also happen to be smart. Are YOU smart in person?

2.) Thank you.

3.) Here's a tip for you and just one reason I don't think you'll date me. I appreciate your honesty, but don't think I know you well enough to take any kind of criticism from you. Let's be honest, I don't take it very well from people I know. If, in the future, you would like to date someone else, you should ALWAYS tell them that their current style is vastly superior to their old, at least at first; it will get them interested enough to keep talking to you. Me? All of a sudden not so interested, especially because I assumed you would know that I have no intention of wearing my hair straight or shiny. Did you read the "Deal with it" post? I like it the way it is, and I'm pretty sure that if you were going to date me, you would understand that simple fact.

4.) What is "faux mockery?" Around here we call that "sarcasm." And you are right, you would have to know me better to "mock in seriousness." (I'm not sure I know what that means, either, but I'm still sure you'd need to know me better.)

5.) I have never seen Open Water, but I still sometimes wonder who God is, too, and who I am in relation to Him. Would you like to tell me about your chilling news? I'm open to discussion about that (just not my hair, lol).

6.) I can appreciate the polemical. But you still must know that you have not yet, nor ever will, have any effect on my panties. Just to keep things straight.

7.) And I say yet again: no effect, regardless of intention.

8.) No, not so clear.

9.) Pretty sure you won't date me.

10.) Signed,

Me

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Relationship Rationalization

Is 17 minutes and 23 seconds a world record? It should be. . .

Thursday, August 19, 2004

New Haircut: The simple facts. (I promise it's interesting; there's a part about flipping people off in there--just read it)

Okay, a few comments on the new 'do, just FYI.

First of all, some people have told me it makes me look older, which must be true, because now I'm getting stared at by middle-aged men instead of getting hit on by 14 year-old boys. Which is worse? I'll have to let ya know.

Second, I suppose I should give you my perspective on the haircut: I like it! (Deep, aren't I?) It's the complete opposite of the hairstyle I have cultivated for the last 2 and a half years, and I feel like it's more. . .me; like it was just lying there under all that high-maintenance hair, waiting to be let out.

Third, I think the reason I was so nervous about getting my hair cut was that I was worried that no guys would be attracted to me if I had short hair. (Shallow? Perhaps.) However, I am less worried about that now. As proof, though, let me say that most of the men I know liked the long hair better. I have to tell them I cut it off for a good cause for them to be okay with it. Regardless, I think of this as something Lindsay-esque. This haircut, for all intents and purposes, is just one more way for me to lovingly give the finger to all the guys who were attracted to the long, high-maintenance mess.

I'm moving on to something more carefree, a little bit poofier and much more funky, and everyone can just deal with it.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Locks of Love 'do

Today, my brother was right. He sent me an email telling me that I might want to be careful about posting pictures on my blog because I wouldn't want any wacko stalkers coming after me.

I told him that I was very careful with the information I dispensed, and that wacko guys had never had any problem finding me BEFORE I had a blog, so not to worry.

However, it has recently come to my attention that he was correct; the possibility of wacko stalkers very certainly exists (don't get a big head about it, though, buttface). Therefore, the pictures have come off the blog; if you really need to see them, let me know and I will send them to you (but only if you are NOT a wacko stalker).

Nothing is sacred, kids. Nothing is sacred.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

My Best Feature

I'm getting all my hair chopped off tomorrow, and I'm somewhat nervous, although I know it's for a good cause.

“ ‘Sometimes when you get rid of your best feature, you find out it really wasn’t anything. Sometimes it turns out your true best feature is something else entirely.’ ” ~Alice Hoffman, The Probable Future

Let's hope Alice is right.

No Crying in Baseball

Yael just left my house. She leaves at 4 a.m. for New York, to medical school at Cornell and the most amazing four years of her life. I could not be more proud of her accomplishments and her strength; she is absolutely doing the right thing, and it is not the easy way out.

And as I sit here writing this, I'm crying. I'm not a crier, but I'm also not used to being the one left behind. I'm crying for many reasons. I'm crying because, in a way, this is a milestone. Things will probably never be the same. I have no doubt that our friendship will continue, but it will be. . .different, somehow. (Sorry, it's hard to be eloquent or even coherent when you're blowing your nose every 30 seconds).

I am also crying because while I know she is doing the right thing, I know it is hard for her. It will be hard to leave the home she has known all her life, to leave her mother who depends on her and her friends on whom she depends. But she needs to do it. She will be a better person for it, no doubt, but there will be many, many dark days, days of uncomfortable change and adjustment, and it is hard for me to see that in her future and not worry.

But most of all, I'm crying because I miss her already. I will miss the 9 o'clock phone calls and the visits to Barbie's classroom and getting told all the time how much she likes me.

Now it's up to Barbie and me to keep this town running. I'll do my best.

Oh, and one confession: we went to see the Princess Diaries 2 tonight, and so I must quote a line (hey, I never said I wasn't cheesy): "Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the belief that something else is more important."

Yael, you will do well at medical school and be a fabulous doctor. And I love you more than you will ever know. And God loves you even more.

Monday, August 16, 2004

August Newsletter

Here is my Mission Year monthly newsletter for August, in its entirety. I know that if you are reading my blog you will probably be receiving my newsletter, but I'm pretty proud of it, so here ya go:


"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God." Hebrews 11:8-10

To my friends and supporters:
Greetings! I pray this letter finds you well. This is the first of the monthly newsletters you will be receiving from me during my work with Mission Year.

As many of you know, I will be serving this year in the inner city of Oakland, California. I leave Corpus Christi on Sept. 3--a date which is swiftly approaching--and am spending the majority of my time packing and figuring out just how many pairs of shoes I'll actually need.
I don't have a mailing address, phone number or new email address to give you yet, but I'll be sure to get that to you when I do. Until then, I will still be checking my old email address.

I have to be honest with you that all this uncertainty (not knowing where I will live, who I will be living with, what I should pack, what will be waiting for me when I get to Oakland) has been somewhat of a burden on me. However, God is very good and recently sent me an email telling me to "fear not."

Now that I have your attention, let me explain. In bible class on Wednesday night, Peggy Simmons has been teaching lessons on how we know God's will. This past Wednesday, we made a list of the ways God makes his will known to us. Things included on the list were: scripture, preacher's lessons, devotional books, a talk with a wise friend, etc. Email did not make the list, but I am now firmly convinced that it should have, because I was at my desk Thursday morning checking my email when I received one that seemed to have been written just for me.

Actually, it was an email list I subscribe to which sends out daily thoughts from My Utmost for His Highest, but that day's devotional thought dealt with faith, something I was feeling very short on as I worried about the uncertainties of my Mission Year. I needed to read that email, and it served as a great encouragement to me. I believe that God's will is that I am honest about my fears, but still "fear not" as I trust Him to do what is best for me and continue to take care of me.

Now I am not the kind of person who believes that God necessarily orchestrates a good parking place for me or takes time out of His busy schedule to make sure I have just enough milk for my morning cereal, but I am firmly convinced that He meant that email for me. (I sent Peggy an email afterwards telling her about my email from the beyond, and she asked if God had signed his name. Just in case you are wondering the same thing, no, He did not.)

So, already, amazing things are happening in my Mission Year experience and I haven't even left yet! This is going to be one interesting year.

Thank you for your financial and prayer support; I greatly need it. Please continue to pray for my team members and myself and the work we will be doing this year.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Post-Its from the edge

I am a great collector of Post-It Notes. My college roommates can tell you this (although I, having no desk space, had to resort to colored note cards because I could stick them in my keyboard).

I used the colored notecards as reminders: "Call Sarah" or "Matt's bday on Thursday" or "Girls' Night Out on Friday"(although for the majority of my college career I had no use for that last one as EVERY Friday was GNO). Now, however, I have taken to sticking post-it notes on my dresser (when there is space) and my mirror.

I wonder what a stranger would think if he or she entered my room and saw one or two of said notes. The notes I currently have hanging around say "wrapping paper" and "Beethoven's 9th Symphony." I just threw away one that said, "8 a.m.: Call Mickey." The one I keep forgetting to read says "REGISTER 4 INS!"

In a way, these notes keep me reminded of things I should do: that I need to wrap a box for work (don't ask), that I want to listen to Beethoven's 9th Symphony because I never have before and I think I should, that Mickey asked me to wake him up last week when we worked the health fair together, that unless I register for Mission Year's insurance ASAP I will possibly be without it, sad and sick for a year.

But what if I left more "meaningful" Post-Its around? Post-Its that said, "Don't yell at slow driver this morning." Or "Remember: Mother just trying to adjust to thought of you living in ghetto." Or "Cutting your hair=no big deal. Giving it to somebody who needs it=more important." Or "Fear Not."

And what if I actually saw those notes and remembered to look at them? Would it make a difference?


Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Aliens and strangers

"8By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later
receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. 9By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. 10For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.
11By faith Abraham, even though he was past age--and Sarah herself was barren--was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise. 12And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore.
13All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. 14People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16Instead, they were longing for a better country--a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. "
~Hebrews 11:8-16


Okay, so I just happened, by accident to have lunch with the accountant at the YWCA today, and she had a lot of questions about Mission Year. I had to admit that I, as of this moment, only know that I am moving to the city of Oakland, California. I do not know where in the city I will be living, who I will be living with, what kind of church I will be paired with, what I need to bring with me, etc. And I am leaving in two-and-a-half weeks. I feel a lot like Abraham, called to go to a place where I will receive my inheritance, but not knowing where, exactly, that is.

But, nevertheless, I have faith. Faith in the God who brought me this far, who hasn't let me down yet (and let's face it, if I were God, I would've gotten tired of all my whining a long time ago).

This does not mean that I am not sometimes--many times--fearful or anxious. I don't handle uncertainty well, as a general rule. If you want to hear more about my anxieties, I'll be happy to tell you. But I just keep trying to remember that there's no way to walk on the water unless you get out of the boat.

Monday, August 09, 2004

Butterflies

I'm nervous. I'm nervous because I'm going to have to sit down with my best friends tonight and tell them something I don't want to tell them.

I know that your best friends are the people to whom you shouldn't be afraid to tell anything. But I also trust them to keep me in line and yell at me when I need it.

And I'm afraid I need it. I mean, I'D yell at me.

Bored at work

Is there such a thing as a "normal" dating life? If there is (and even if there's not), I want one.

I want to meet a nice boy, get asked out on a date, worry about what to wear, go to a nice restaurant, worry about what to order, eat a nice meal and have nice conversation, worry if there's something in my teeth, go to a movie and then get dropped off. Afterward, I want to wait the agonizing but mandatory 2 or 3 days until he calls and asks me out again.

I read about things like this happening all the time in books, but my dating life does not work that way. I had a list of all the guy scenarios here that I am undergoing at the moment, but then was afraid that someone might recognize himself and get offended. So, if you want to see the full list, send an e-mail or IM my way, and I will get it to you.

Regardless, there is no attraction-dating-breaking up business in my life. (Well, not anymore, and even when there was something resembling that, it didn't really work that way).

Why is everything in my dating life either an intellectual decision or an emotional gamble? Is this how it works for everyone?

One of my old friends told me the other day that I get fallen in love with on an "above average basis." Why is that? Why me? And what good does it do me? Besides the fact that I am about to be single for a year, I wouldn't know what to do with a serious relationship right now if it bit me on the butt (and knowing serious relationships, that's probably what it would do).

Should I just be grateful that there is at least some sort of action in my "love life" even though I am happy being single? What would my life be like if there was no boy-drama? Would I be bored, or satisfied?

I have a feeling that we'll never know.